The headline is hyperbole, granted. I’m 54 years previous. I’ve had lots of dangerous days. Was this one the worst? Unimaginable to say. Can I identify a worse one off the highest of my head? Now that I give it some thought, no! However we’ll get to that.
Let’s speak in regards to the automotive first. The vaunted Hyundai Elantra N! The automotive recognized all through the automotive-YouTube and reddit-forum universe because the finances different to the Honda Civic Sort R and Toyota Corolla GR, providing up 98 p.c of their efficiency at a ten-thousand-dollar low cost (extra once you think about seller gouging). Former BMW M-father Albert Biermann’s reward to the frequent folks: a track-ready weapon that’ll do double-duty as a humble household sedan when wanted, however is rarely greater than a flick of a baby-blue N button away from springing into full rifle-shot-backfire motion. What’s to not love?
Mine was a Christmas current to myself a pair years in the past. For many of my life I’ve solely pushed beater shitboxes — for the longest time taking a perverse delight in by no means having spent greater than $2,500 on any of them — however when my newest acquisition, a Saab 9-5 Aero wagon with a sketchy title historical past, began exhibiting indicators that its head-gasket points might need much less to do with the top than the block, I’d lastly had sufficient. Time to behave like a grown-up for as soon as and purchase myself a automotive with an precise guarantee.
A crushingly miserable conclusion on the time, as a result of I usually hate new automobiles. The load, the bloat, the superfluous and gimmicky tech, the pursuit of irrelevant numbers and advertising B.S. that solely serves to additional distance drivers from the act of driving — all of it simply bums me out. I hate computerized transmissions. All of them. I don’t care how “good” they’re. New automobiles suck. I advised you: I’m previous.
However then I remembered the Veloster N I’d pushed just a few years prior on the Rolex 24. I used to be in Daytona for a narrative about Hyundai’s nascent IMSA program, with Bryan Herta Autosport working a crew of TCRs within the Michelin Pilot Problem. When hotshoe Michael Lewis took me for a lap in my utterly inventory avenue automotive I used to be legitimately floored by the quantity of velocity he carried by the infield, and he gushed about how carefully the dynamics of the highway automotive mirrored these of its racer-fied siblings. (Lewis would go on to win three of BHA’s subsequent five-and-counting championships within the years since.) The automotive was reasonably priced, enjoyable, and — most memorably — it felt particular.
By mid-2022 after I was procuring, although, the Veloster’s funky asymmetrical hot-hatch configuration was being phased out in favor of the extra standard four-door Elantra. Similar drivetrain, comparable suspension setup, principally the entire Hyundai N goodness in a slightly-longer-wheelbase, extra passenger-friendly package deal. And cheaper, weirdly. I actually most well-liked the appears to be like of the Veloster however wasn’t about to pay an additional thousand bucks for a jankier inside. Elantra N it was, then.
If you happen to recall, 2022 was additionally the yr all of us realized accountable no matter was improper in our lives on the world provide chain, and there was a ready checklist for just about every thing; the Elantra N had gone on sale late in 2021 however I’d seen precisely one within the wild and showroom flooring had been barren. After just a few weeks of getting dicked round by out-of-state dealerships, I discovered the least terrible native outlet and put down a deposit that made me first in line for his or her subsequent 6-speed guide allocation.
Six months later it lastly arrived, as I say, days earlier than Christmas. A white one. I didn’t significantly care in regards to the coloration, however sooner or later throughout that interminable wait I’d had a dream a couple of white one, so this felt surprisingly fated. I introduced within the set of Michelin X-Ices mounted on Sparco Terras I had on deck for this very event, signed the paperwork whereas they threw them on, and took supply of the primary and virtually actually final new automotive I’ll ever purchase. Granted, I’m not that previous, however I say this even now as a result of I simply can’t think about there ever once more being one other new automotive that I’ll each have the ability to afford and, crucially, need. They don’t make ’em like this anymore!
Unsurprisingly, the automotive kicked ass. I beloved it from that first drive house, beloved it much more after 600 diligent break-in miles after I may lastly put my foot in it, beloved it extra nonetheless come spring when these winter tires acquired swapped out for the ridiculously grippy Pilot Sports activities it shipped with. Complete Jekyll and Hyde persona, docile and chill round city however an absolute bastard when known as upon; fast and responsive, with probably the most hilariously gentle rear finish I’ve ever skilled in a front-drive automotive. The annoying tech was all simply (and completely) disabled, the helpful tech intuitive and elegantly built-in with bodily controls — different producers take observe: this is the way you do a contemporary inside — and it was a easy matter to configure these N buttons in a means that allowed me to seamlessly alternate between what I regarded as Eco-Grandma, Quick-but-Snug, Firmed-Up-but-Not-Aggro, and Full-Ship Menace-to-Society modes. My twelve-year-old daughter who couldn’t care much less about automobiles beloved it; her pals beloved it; abruptly I used to be the cool dad on account of my scorching rod Hyundai, go determine. Even the automotive’s hideous grill was redeemed when my highschool bandmate remarked upon its unmistakable resemblance to the visage of 1 Paul Stanley, one thing that’s not possible to un-see as soon as it’s identified to you. We dubbed it the Carchild.
None of this got here as a shock. I knew I used to be going to love the automotive; that’s why I purchased it. What I wasn’t anticipating, although, was simply how a lot enjoyable it will be to drive one thing that I beloved so unreservedly. How uncommon, in our difficult world, to have the ability to really feel simply uncomplicatedly good about one thing! Hell, the Ns are manufactured in South Korea, so I may even fake I wasn’t implicated in Hyundai’s stateside child-labor scenario. I beloved going to IMSA races and rooting for the Elantra TCRs, seeing the ever-growing checklist of championships on the Herta trailers, filling out the dumb on-line surveys at Hyundai’s “activation” tents — How doubtless would I be to suggest one to a buddy? 10/10 child, all day! — and getting one other cool t-shirt in alternate, the race automotive fading to black with the tagline on the again: By no means simply drive.
Okay, I would like you to think about that phrase echoing into the void because the display screen goes darkish and we now transition from the primary a part of our story to the second.
This could be the (probably) worst day of my life a part of the story. To set this up I want to elucidate that for the final twenty-plus years I’ve made my residing as a touring and recording musician, taking part in bass in a cult band known as the Mountain Goats. And whereas I reside in western New York, the remainder of the band are unfold throughout the three corners of North Carolina’s Analysis Triangle, which signifies that as a rule, our excursions began and ended from there. And since flying on this nation has change into an unreliable nightmare, my M.O. for ages had been to drive the eleven hours down to satisfy the bus at first of tour, go away my automotive at our drummer’s home, and drive house on the finish — one thing I by no means minded. Eleven hours of peaceable, uninterrupted solitude? Are you kidding? I appeared ahead to it, particularly with my new journey making brief work of Virginia’s varied and pleasant Blue Ridge Mountain passes.
Towards the top of our most up-to-date tour I awakened one morning feeling like demise. A Covid take a look at confirmed my suspicion: I’d be lacking our final 4 reveals. As an alternative I’d be staying behind in Charlottesville, Virginia, quarantined in a resort room till such time as I may safely make my means house.
Not the primary time I’d gotten Covid on tour! That had been towards the top of certainly one of our first post-lockdown outings, within the fall of 2021, when three of us got here up constructive and I spent every week isolating in a resort room in McLean earlier than returning house to my household — Virginia being the place I am going to get Covid, apparently. My shameful secret on the time? It dominated. Not too long ago vaxxed, a light case, I handed the time ordering in actually good meals, watching motion pictures, studying, listening to music, monitoring the birds outdoors my ninth-floor window…I privately referred to it as my Covid retreat. Bliss.
This time was not bliss. This time was, actually, the furthest factor from bliss. This was every week within the suicidal ideation chamber, a darkish evening of the soul punctuated by room service deliveries of Kleenex and Gatorade left outdoors my door. Bodily I used to be a wreck: grievously in poor health and incapable of sleep, and with every thing I put in my mouth tasting like absolute ass (even worse ass as soon as I acquired the Paxlovid, which arrived too late to impart something however its least nice side-effects), I couldn’t actually eat both. Worse but, although, was the psychological funk, the short-circuited govt functioning, the proverbial mind fog from which, as the times went on, steadily started to emerge the contours of a profoundly distressing and doubtlessly life-altering realization, to wit: I don’t suppose I can do that — emphatically factors in each course — anymore. You recognize that line in regards to the physique retaining rating? This was the physique holding up the judges’ playing cards, and each final certainly one of them mentioned the identical factor. Recreation over, buddy.
I’d examined constructive on Monday morning; by Friday I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to GTFO. I needed to go house. In fact, I used to be in no situation to go wherever, however that was irrelevant. My scenario had change into untenable. I booked a rental automotive and plotted my escape.
The plan was a convoluted one, even underneath the most effective of circumstances. I’d get a rideshare from the resort to the Charlottesville airport, the place I’d choose up the rental. Drive 4 hours to the Raleigh-Durham airport, the place’d I return it. Get one other rideshare to my automotive, a half-hour away in Chapel Hill. After which get as a lot highway underneath me as I may earlier than discovering a resort for the evening, thereby splitting the eleven hours I usually down in a single gulp into chunks that may be extra manageable given my shaky situation. Sounds cheap, although, proper? Doable, a minimum of?
Pals, after I say that it was all I may do to get myself and my stuff — a suitcase, a backpack, a duffle bag and a garment bag — from my resort room to the foyer, I imply it was actually all I may do. Overlook about the remainder of it. From that time on, I used to be absolutely past my operational capability, reserves empty, borrowing towards future returns that I don’t ever anticipate to appreciate. Truthfully? I ought to’ve been within the fucking hospital. Saline drip in my arm, medicated to oblivion. That’s not how we do issues right here, although, so as an alternative I sat down on the curb within the 90-degree Virginia morning swelter and waited for my journey.
Simply to maintain the shedding streak going, what do you suppose Avis gave me on the airport? Of all of the automobiles at the moment accessible from the rental-car roulette wheel, which one would most completely complement the abject despair of this second? If you happen to guessed Nissan Rogue, give your self a prize, and please settle for my condolences as nicely, as a result of I’ve to think about that you just’ve been right here earlier than too.
I drove to RDU like a whole asshole. The one redeeming high quality of a Nissan Rogue — any Nissan from the final twenty years actually — is that it telegraphs to different drivers that you don’t give a shit, a truth I used to full benefit in retaining the left lane clear in entrance of me. Made shockingly good time because of this. (It happens to me now that this may be helpful intel for future Cannonballers. Are you able to match an AMG engine in a Rogue? Does AMG make a CVT?)
It was mid-afternoon by the point I used to be dropped off in our drummer’s gravel driveway, exhausted however grateful to have the toughest half behind me. I snapped a pic of our automobiles sitting subsequent to one another and texted it to him; Hurricane Debby had come by and dumped a ton of rain a pair days earlier, and I’d had visions of exhibiting as much as downed timber or worse. Fortunately, the automobiles and his home appeared to have weathered the storm unscathed. I loaded up the Hyundai, checked the oil, acquired myself settled in and rolled out onto the road with an enormous sigh of reduction. By some means, I’d performed it. I used to be in my automotive, pointed towards house. All that was left now was to only drive. Straightforward. Simply drive.
Sorry, what was that?
Barely a mile down the highway the test engine gentle flashed and the automotive went into limp mode. Pedal-to-the-floor-going-nowhere limp mode.
Now, I’m usually a fairly profane particular person in my on a regular basis life, and I are inclined to get extra volubly profane when shit that’s alleged to work begins fucking up, for instance. It’s a measure of how totally defeated I felt at this second that the phrases that got here out of my mouth weren’t a torrent of abuse, of pure, undistilled rage directed at everybody and nobody directly, however one thing nearer to a whimper: No. Please no. Please don’t do that to me. Not now. Not right now.
I pulled off onto a aspect avenue and pulled my trusty $20 OBD-II reader out of the middle console, a behavior leftover from beater days. A formality; as with the Covid take a look at, I already knew the reply. P1326 — the knock sensor. A recognized problem with these automobiles, one going again years on fashions all through the Hyundai vary. There are boards stuffed with tales of automobiles throwing codes and going into limp mode after a visit by a automotive wash, or worse, a puddle; certainly, I’d recognized sufficient that after I took my automotive to get Waxoyled I particularly advised the man to be light when cleansing across the knock sensor beforehand, confirmed him precisely the place it was and every thing. For some purpose the attachment the place the sensor is related is very vulnerable to moisture and can brief out if water collects atop it. Mine had behaved itself till right now; clearly it was ready till the time was proper to inflict most psychic harm and let me know that I’d purchased the finances sport sedan equal of a fucking F-35.
Thrust abruptly from the anticipation of a zenned-out few hours of open highway into necessary problem-solving mode, my still-fogged mind struggled. What do I even do? I limped to the parking zone of a close-by vintage retailer to get out of hurt’s means. The automotive’s middle display screen proffered a button with directions to name Hyundai service instantly. Unsure what that’s going to perform, however okay, positive. They dispatched a tow truck and advised me to take a seat tight. Within the meantime I scrolled by discussion board posts on my cellphone — can’t I simply clear the code? There’s nothing really improper with the automotive, proper? After just a few unsuccessful makes an attempt, I finally managed to seek out the mix of ignition sequences and code-reader inputs that put out the engine gentle. Okay, candy, again in enterprise. I texted the tow driver again and advised him his companies had been now not required. Pulled triumphantly again onto the highway and made it practically half-way throughout the intersection when the sunshine got here again on and automotive went again into limp mode.
Now got here the profanity.
When selecting a spot on your whole nervous breakdown, there are a selection of things you’re going to need to think about. Fewer individuals round to witness it the higher, after all. If you happen to’re open air, possibly search for shade? Lastly, it’s nice if there’s some large heavy objects close by that you would be able to choose up and throw in a futile expression of your personal helplessness, simply to really feel such as you’re doing one thing — free bricks or large pavers are perfect for this.
Fortunately for me there was an empty workplace park inside coasting distance, with a parking zone completely suited to the event. You ever seen a grown-ass, middle-aged man utterly lose his shit? It’s not fairly. However generally in life it takes a second like this to shake you out of no matter combination of complacency and denial you’ve been residing in, and admit to your self that it may’t proceed, nonetheless a lot grief it’s going to trigger you. In dependancy circles they name it hitting backside. In my case it meant calling again the tow truck driver.
By the point he confirmed up it was 5 o’clock, on a Saturday. The service division on the nearest dealership was closed, naturally, and wouldn’t open once more till Monday morning. I briefly thought of staying till then however shortly realized that if I needed to spend one other full day in a resort room…nicely, let’s simply say that wasn’t actually an choice. I left the automotive on the seller, acquired one more rideshare again out to an airport resort, and flew house the subsequent day.
To Hyundai’s credit score, the automotive was fastened — knock sensor changed — Monday morning, and the company individuals I spoke with had been exceedingly useful in arranging to have the automotive returned to me on their dime with assurances that I’d be reimbursed for all bills incurred. And positive sufficient, every week later the automotive was again in my driveway.
I don’t even need to have a look at the damned factor.
Each little bit of enthusiasm I ever had for it has been completely extinguished. The t-shirts went within the trash. It’s so humorous to me now, after I take into consideration the a yr and a half I spent meticulously altering my very own oil, doing two-bucket hand washes, parking on the far finish of the grocery store lot like a boomer with a brand new 911. What a chump! What an absolute fucking mark! It’s a Hyundai, bro!
A few of you studying this may be considering nicely come on, man, it’s a automotive. Issues occur. And also you’re proper, after all. Look, I’ve dailied decades-old Saabs for a big chunk of my life. There’s a purpose I carry an OBD-II reader, even in a brand new automotive. I get it.
However my behavior of utilizing phrases like “finances” and “reasonably priced” in relation to this automotive shouldn’t obscure the truth that, out the door, after taxes and vacation spot and every thing else, I paid practically forty thousand {dollars} for this factor. We’ve been conditioned to suppose that’s not quite a bit, however to me a minimum of, it’s a colossal sum. And but they couldn’t spend the additional buck-fifty it will’ve value for a weatherproof connector to get me house on a day after I’d all however killed myself simply looking for my means into within the driver’s seat. By no means simply drive, certainly!
Half of me needs to commerce it for a Corolla — not a GR, simply a Corolla, a center finger to your entire concept of a cool automotive, the cheaper the higher — however my child has made it clear that whereas she’s positive with me quitting my rock-star job, eliminating “her” Hyundai would mark a breach of father-daughter relations for which I’d by no means be forgiven. That, together with the understanding that I’d be screwing myself financially by promoting at this level, are purpose sufficient to maintain it, a minimum of for now.
In any case this, would I nonetheless suggest an Elantra N to a buddy?
Properly, it relies upon. Simply utilizing it for observe days, or to impress the twelve-year-olds in your life? Certain.
Does it rain the place you reside? Does it ever rain anyplace you might need purpose to go? May there ever be a scenario the place your sanity relies upon upon the automotive getting you from one place to a different?
In that case, I’d say the N in that case stands for Not in your fucking life.
